Meth Psychosis, Prison, and Recovery | Landon’s Story

 Landon shares his story of early addiction, IV heroin use, prison, loss, and the moment psychosis broke him—leading to a life rebuilt through recovery. 

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Like I'm hearing voices, I'm seeing things, I'm seeing people in ghillie suits out in the desert behind my grandma's house. Whatever this was, like dark forces, special forces. Like and I'm trying to convince my grandma. I'm like, do you see them? They're right there. And and she's like, Landon, what the hell are you talking about? Yeah, I just had this realization that none of that stuff was real. And I started bawling.

SPEAKER_01 0:23

It's hard knock to talk. Landon, welcome to the podcast.

SPEAKER_00 0:27

Hey, thank you. Good morning.

SPEAKER_01 0:29

Yeah, let's jump into it.

SPEAKER_00 0:30

You know, my my father, he had passed away of a heroin overdose, uh, New Year's Eve of 1985. I was just uh just turned three, about three months prior. Um, and you know, I obviously I was super young and really didn't understand what had happened, but as I grew up, you know, my mother would tell me, you know, how my father died. Um and also growing up, I would hear things like, Hey, your uh father was that he loved you very much, but if uh he was the type of person, if you told him that you could shoot mud up and it would get you high, he would be the type of person to do that. I think that's not having a father place me in a position to constantly compare myself to my friends and other people, right? So I'm growing up with with people that or friends that have fathers that have, you know, that are going to sporting events, camping, hunting, things of that nature. So I'm always constantly feeling like I'm not a part of. I think when I moved out to Arizona from Illinois, uh that's kind of where the change happened, where I felt like again, I was picked up and taken out of my environment and had to kind of start over. So I probably had formed, you know, like a new identity because like as I transitioned through life, um, I was constantly playing a part, right? I was never like my authentic self. I was always just trying to fit in. You know, it was funny. I I think I was probably like 11 or 12 years old the first time I tried any kind of mind-altering substance, and it was methamphetamines, right? And I um it was a friend's, like a kid at the apartment, his older brother. For some reason, I went over to the apartment, and he kind of pulls me into the back of uh his bedroom and he's like, Hey, do you want to do some speed? And I didn't know what this stuff was. This was you know early 90s, and um I without even thinking, it's like, yeah, I of course I do. And I would say the first spiritual experience that I ever had was the first time I ever took uh opioid pain medication. Um it was uh, you know, I found a bottle of percadan in the medicine cabinet, and I took one, and man, everything changed. Um I could I could look the world in the eye, I was confident, I was motivated.

SPEAKER_01 3:01

Can you unpack that a little bit more for me? Um like why why would uh a lot of people would say that that is the killing of spirit, that that is the you know the a detachment from the self. So I and I'm not saying what you're saying is wrong. I'm just I'm I'm trying to understand and and and bring the audience along with us.

SPEAKER_00 3:18

So knowing like my definition of having a spiritual awakening today is just a complete uh alteration of changing the way I feel and behave, right? And so I was insecure, um unmotivated, uh, you know, and perhaps negative. Uh and when I took that pill, it completely switched everything to a positive, right? So now I am secure, I am motivated, I am ready to face the world. So it was just like this um this aha moment, like, ah, here we go. And when I think of a spiritual awakening, even prior to my understanding of it now, um it was like that that like the the the skies open up and the light comes down and you just feel warm and and everything's going to be okay. This is supposed to feel right. Yeah, yeah, okay. And I didn't really understand what it was, you know, I didn't understand what I was getting into, but man, this one little pill made me feel like that. I can definitely uh I I can definitely partake in this, you know, for the rest of my life.

SPEAKER_01 4:32

You said that you you moved into uh Ivy heroin use. Now, what what did that look like when it was presented to you? Was that like was there you know, because drugs are bad. I mean, you and I grew up in the same era where Nancy Reagan said drugs are bad, right? So just say no. Yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_00 4:50

My father died of a heroin overdose, and I knew how he died. Um when that that point came to where heroin was introduced to me, none of that was in my mind when I decided to use it, right? Um, and it's funny, I kept drawing these lines in the sand growing up. You know, I'm doing cocaine, oh well, it's not heroin, so it's okay. I'm doing LSD, it's not heroin, so it's okay. Um, but came the time when uh heroin was introduced to me, um, I think I was just so strung out and dependent or obsessed with these with this uh with the way that these things made me feel, I was I was ready to um like that never even crossed my mind. And as I took that hit off that tray, I immediately knew there's only one way to do heroin, and that's through Ivy. And I said, Well, do you have a syringe? And and then from that day on, you know, I taught myself how to, you know, use a needle, and the rest, it just progressed from there. Because um I have now done, I have met that pinnacle, I am now using Ivy heroin, uh, the same way that my or the same substance in the same way that my father had uh passed away. And at this point, I just I had to stay well and I didn't care about any of that. But I'll manage myself a little bit better than my father did, you know, because he obviously didn't know what he was doing. I got this.

SPEAKER_01 6:25

So still, even though even though you had gone down that same road, you still thought that you could that you weren't making the same stakes that your father did. Because obviously you're not dead.

SPEAKER_00 6:37

Right, exactly. I'm still I'm still breathing, so everything's good. But um, in the middle of all this, I'm going to school for audio engineering. Um, I'm trying to just get some sort of stability in my life and build a future for myself. And now I'm using heroin in the bathroom at the school. Um and I ultimately ended up getting kicked out. So, like now my future's gone, right? My plans for my future have now dissolved. So I'm like 30 pounds underweight. I got track marks down my neck, down my arms, and and alcohol. Um, and that's where I really my alcoholism kicked off.

SPEAKER_01 7:16

Um sorry, I don't mean to laugh, but your dog just did like a flying leap over your shoulder. Who's a good boy?

SPEAKER_00 7:25

Yeah, he's yeah, he's a handful.

SPEAKER_01 7:31

No, it's cool. I and it's I hope he does it again.

SPEAKER_00 7:34

It's sorry, I couldn't help but I'm sure he will be on my shoulder at some point.

SPEAKER_01 7:39

Like it was it was full on, like there was like I could see the full dog over your shoulder. What's his name? Trevor. Tre hit you have a dog named Trevor.

SPEAKER_00 7:52

That's interesting. I do, and there's a there's a reason behind that. Okay. Towards the end, I'll kind of get into that. Yeah. All right. Um so and yeah, man, uh like my alcoholism really took off. I'm I'm drinking at least a fifth a day. I got this part-time job at Subway, and I'm peeling the the cash register back, scamming them just so I can have money to go drink after work. And I'm going to like karaoke bars, things like that. Um I ultimately get arrested for an extreme DUI while on probation. Um my probation officer offers me another shot. And after like three or four attempts to get me into treatment and me not complying, one day they just kind of sabotaged me when I went to go um check in, and then they took me to jail again. So, you know, once again, this fear, as soon as those cops walked in, that fear kind of like motivated me, man. I swear I'm gonna change, I'm gonna do better, and it sobers me up for a bit. Um, but ultimately I had to go to jail for two months and um got my first like real jail experience, you know, it kind of like got to see some of the politics, um, you know, and some of the other things that went on in those kind of environments. And and yeah, I I get out with a firm resolution never to do this again. I immediately go into sober living, and I did it wasn't two or three weeks before I'm that obsession gets a hold of me again, and I am rifling through my mom's purse to find her payments. And I barely made it off uh probation and successfully. And it was probably a month or so before you know I'm back on the needle, and and now I'm just smoking as much crack as possible. And um and that just that's when things kind of got ugly. Um, and it got to a point so quick um where my mom had gotten a life insurance, or they were looking at getting a life insurance policy out on me and finding a burial plot next to my father back in Illinois. Wow. Um in that time I had experienced my my first overdose, and I remember coming to in the in the ER and not knowing what happened, and they they told me that I had overdosed, and I as I'm sitting there waiting for my discharge paperwork, I I look over to the like the nightstand next to my bed, and I see the the syringe with the with the drugs in it still laying next to me, like in a tube. And I immediately you know put that in my pocket and I AMA'd just so I could uh you know try and get well again. And um that just that insanity, right? I just come to from an overdose. They're telling me I was pretty much dead. And I as soon as I saw that that syringe with you know drugs and blood in it, I thought, like, oh, I'm gonna take this home so I can do it, right? I don't so I think it was like evidence, you know, like that's the the syringe that they pulled from you know my body when they um when they found me at this apartment. And for some reason they put it in like this little test tube thing, and for some reason it was like in a bed pan on the nightstand next to the bed in the ER. And I saw that, and it's like immediately, it's like I have there's there's drugs in there I need to do because my high was ruined because they had to narcan me, bring me back, and um and I remember taking it and going back home and trying, and I'm sorry if I'm being too descriptive, but I'm trying to cook out the blood, and I guess I put it back in the spoon, I'm trying to cook out the blood so I can get the drugs out and you know feel relief. So about the um next two years, my my use progressed again. And um I ended up getting probation for aggravated DUIs, so now I'm I'm on probation again. But in the midst of all this, man, um I'm starting to pick up all these charges. Um, I get this impersonating police officer charge. One night a friend and I were going through, uh it turns out it was a retired detective's vehicle, and he left his briefcase in there. Um, and when we got back to kind of see the loot, like there was a detective badge and like a palm pilot and some other cool stuff. And I remember holding on to this badge um because I think I thought there'd be some use for it, or it was just cool, whatever it was. But I remember one night I was with a friend at a gas station, and some high schoolers were asking, you know, shoulder tapping to see if you know they I could buy them beer. And I had this bright idea that um oh, I can use this badge. And basically I would go buy the beer. They I remember this girl gives me a hundred bucks, and um, so I go buy some beer, I get the change, and I come out and I pull out the badge and I said, Well, there's just one more thing. I show them the badge, kids scattered, now I got like 80 bucks and a 30 pack of beer, so I just continued to um, you know, kind of that was like a hustle for a little bit. And I remember when I got popped um one time for uh I was this is where I'm starting to use Ivy Methews, and um I remember I was just kind of lost and struggling at a gas station, and the the tenants called the police on me, and when they arrested me, they had found the badge and they were hearing stories about this person that was doing this, and uh they kind of linked everything together. But uh, so now I'm I'm I'm thinking heroin's the problem, you know. Like, so maybe I can shoot methamphetamines and that might I might have a different experience. And so I remember when I was um off heroin and I was introduced to the needle as far as methamphetamines is concerned. I really like the effects of that, but I failed to understand that you need sleep to um you know to to function. And I remember my first like time when I was I probably hadn't slept for like two or three days. Like I'm hearing voices, I'm seeing things, I'm seeing people in ghillie suits out in the desert behind my grandma's house. And this was so real, and and I I just I could have sworn like whatever this was, like dark forces, special forces. Like, I thought there was people like way smarter than me and keeping tabs on me. Um, and I remember I was going through heroin withdrawals, and I I'm in basically pure psychosis, and um think and I'm trying to convince my grandma, I'm like, Do you see them? They're right there, and and she's like, Landon, what the hell are you talking about? And as my girlfriend at the time comes and picks me up, um, you know, I just had this realization that none of that stuff was real, and I I started bawling, you know, I'm like, what is going on with me? Um, and but that was soon, you know, all blotted out by um you know the the effects of heroin. Like, and I was just like, once I got that in me, everything's fine. You know, I'm juggling probably like four or five felony cases. Um I'm on probation. I have a couple bonds that I haven't appeared for yet. And I remember it was like St. Patrick's Day 2006. I guess I had gotten another aggravated DUI, and I don't remember it, but they let me go. So it's like, as since there was no like jail served, like I didn't think it really happened. Um now my probation officer is starting to get suspicious and wants me to go into treatment. I convince her, like, oh, I just need sober living. And um as this aggravated DUI charge finally starts to go through the legal process, you know, the attorney that I'm given tells me I'm you know I can get you about nine months. And for me, nine months was a long time. And but you know, I'm convinced I'm kind of pumping myself up. I'm like, oh, I can do nine months. If it's prison, I'll only have to do six months. Um, so I remember going to the courthouse, it was probably July of 2008. Um they come at me with a plea for four and a half years, and like I was like just blindsided. I'm like, what the hell? And I caught this huge resentment, and um, I'm like, you know what? Screw you, I'm gonna party then, and I'm gonna do the most until I have to go do this four and a half years. And in the midst of all this, um, as I'm partying, me and my brother, we had gotten a bunch of Xanax and some methamphetamines. And I remember coming to one morning and he wakes me up and he was watching the neighbor's house, and he's like, Hey, let's go over to the neighbor's house and see, you know, if there's anything we can come across. And so we broke into their house. Uh, well, he had the key, so we went into their house and just started rummaging through their shit. And I just started taking what I felt I could use to continue to get more drugs. And a couple days later, the the family comes home from their vacation and notice a bunch of their shit's missing. And so they immediately, you know, come to our house next door and they ask questions. And I it's denied till you die, right? I don't know what you're talking about. Um, my mom knew, and um I guess one day when I was out, you know, doing whatever I was doing, she let the neighbors into the house and they found all the stuff in my bedroom. And uh me and my brother both get arrested for uh uh class three burglary, right? And like so to help cope with the fear, man, like, and this is no knock on my mother, but I'm a I'm a huge manipulator. So I'm telling my mom, like, hey, to help me cope with this, I need you to bring me your pain medications and some tobacco just so I can get through this experience. Um, because what was supposed to be like a one-month, you know, um quick sentencing and get sent to prison. This was dragged dragged out for about six months as I'm addressing each case. And um, so I convinced my mom to start bringing me in her pain medication, her Xanax, and chewing tobacco, um, just to kind of, you know, I'm playing the victim and I'm making her feel sorry for me. So my mom is essentially, you know, committing felonies to, you know, to protect her son or what she thinks is protecting her son. So I I got a stipulated seven-year plea, and um then, you know, now I'm off to you know, big boy camp. So like I'm with murderers, lifers, you know, violent offenders, and I remember being fearful, um, but it's like I'm I'm gonna hit the meetings, I'm gonna go to church, I'm gonna do these types of things. And it lasted maybe a month, and the person that introduced me to heroin was on the yard with me. And um I remember this lifer kind of takes me under his wing and he's like, youngster, there's three things you don't get involved with in here, and that's politics, gambling, and and getting in the spoon. And it wasn't long before I was involved in all three of them, right? And escaping and getting high. So I just, you know, I would concoct these stories to have my mom, you know, send me money or send money to other people, um just so I can get high. Now I'm about a year and a half into my sentence. I remember running out to the rec field so I can get on the phone to make that call to my mom so I can get my bills situated. And um I uh she answered the phone, and I'm I'm trying to get right down to business. And I remember her asking, you know, saying, like, you know, I love you, son, right? I'm like, well, you never answer the phone like this, something's wrong. And I tried to get it out of her. She's like, No, I think I need to tell you this in person. Like Trevor passed away, and that was my little brother. Um, and it didn't seem real, you know. I'm like, dude, stop it, you're you're you're messing with me. And she's like, No, you know, Trevor, he passed away. We found him, you know, last Sunday. And um I just remember hanging up that phone, just feeling numb. And the only I remember telling a friend, oh my dude, my I just found out my little brother passed away. And I just immediately um got back to knowing what I know how to do. There's nothing and to hell with money, I don't have any, you know. I it's just I need to numb what I'm feeling right now. And I just immediately went and bought like a handful of pills of whatever I could find. And um man, that just kind of triggered the next five and a half years of just trying to fill this void of um and numb this pain. You know, as my mom is going through this, um, the selfish, self-centered nature of this disease, and I don't like talking about this, but this is just what it is. Um, you know, it got to the point where like I'm holding my mother emotionally hostage. Uh like, man, if you don't pay my bills, this is going to happen to me. I'm using fear to get what I want now. I'm like my the measures I'm going to through or to to get the things that I need to help me cope with the environment I'm in. Our um I would go, you know, there was no limits or boundaries, right? So I'm telling my mom, you know, messed up shit to and instill fear into her, so she would, you know, do my bidding. Um, and not really thinking about that, she's coping with the loss of both of her sons now. Her her oldest son is gonna be in prison for you know the next five, six years, and she just lost her youngest to an overdose. He died of a combination of um, you know, Xanax and morphine or heroin. Um you know, because he was my co-defendant. And I know it was the fear of going to prison and having to experience what I was going through. He was self-medicating and um, you know, ultimately lost his life as a result of that. Um, there was some there's some shame on my part and guilt because um I was the one who introduced him to the doctor that um yeah, got him those medications. And I just I didn't know how to cope with that. So I just spent the next five and a half years just making horrible choices and holding my mother hostage to pay my bills. So yeah, man, and like we had talked about, I was like gang adjacent. I just wanted to fit in. All the people I hung out with were affiliated or, you know, doing that. Um so yeah, I just wanted to fit in, right? And um, you know, I would go on little missions here and there, but every time I would do that, I felt like extreme, like this isn't me, like I didn't line up with who I was. Um beating people up, you know, just a couple times here and there, right? And after that, I was like, man, why did I do that? You know? Um, and it just it didn't sit right because I'm not a violent person. Um, and I was going against my beliefs, morals, values to just fit in and you know, be accepted by other people. And it just didn't align, I it wasn't aligned with who I was. Um, and then once again, that kind of fuels my addiction. So let's fast forward to the end of the sentence, right? I I get out finally. I'd lost all my good time. I had spent most of my time on higher custody yards, hadn't had a visit in about you know five and a half years. Um, and anytime I would experience something good while in prison, I would immediately screw it up by getting a dirty UA refusal, something like that. And I remember getting out of prison thinking, man, you know, life's gonna be different this time. And but I also had gotten out with this this idea that the world owed me something, and I had a lot of time to make up for it. Uh so that night, I remember, you know, drinking a beer uh at my first meal out, and um that just that triggered that thing again. And the next five years, I'm um just doing the rehab shuffle, um, trying to get off probation or parole, um, consequences, talking my way out of it. And um ultimately I get off probation. I do good for a little bit. I made it out for five years. Um I then I was having a conversation with my my buddy's mom, and he was back in prison. This is like my best friend that I had met in prison. And uh I'm I'm having a conversation with her one night. I'm like, man, I wish I could go back to the yard. You know, we had band room, I could play a pickup game of basketball, play Pinockle. Like, I was missing that camaraderie. And as I got off the phone that night, I had just gotten in a big fight with my girlfriend at the time. And um I remember getting a text message from a friend who's like, hey, I got I got some heroin if you want it. Um you can come get some. And I had no money, I had no vehicle, but um my girlfriend did, and she was asleep. So I decided to go take her bank card and her car keys and uh to go, and I went to go get some heroin, like probably like a 40-minute drive across town. And um I went and got it, did it on the drive home. I guess I nodded out and I ended up totaling my girlfriend's car and uh getting arrested again for an aggravated DUI. As soon as those handcuffs hit my wrist, immediately all the negative stuff from prison came flooding back. Like just earlier that night, I was talking about how good it was and how much I missed it. But as soon as those handcuffs hit my wrist, all the bad things immediately came rushing back. And I knew like I was headed back there, you know, starting to get my life together, and I would just build things up and then it would crumble down. Um I finally get a plea for five years uh for for this aggravated DUI, and I I go back into treatment a couple more times because I'm just struggling and I'm trying to you know work the system, so to speak, to get less time. Um I remember like three months after I had gotten that aggravated DUI, I'd picked up another charge. I had overdosed in the Del Taco bathroom, and um I had picked up a possession charge too. Uh so it's like it's things are starting to spiral out of control again. Um, and now like rehab was a sanctuary to kind of get my shit together and um to to avoid consequence. Um so yeah, I I go through like three or four different treatment centers in this period. Uh, long story short, it took about two years before I actually went to prison because COVID had hit, and uh that kind of um halted things. But it talks about, I remember I'm I'm now living in Coolidge. Like we had to move because my grandfather died. And you take a uh two gram-a-day heroin addict out of the Phoenix metropolitan area and place him in Coolidge where he has no resources. I um that's where my affair with alcohol and and kratom, you know, began. And that's those are the substances that kind of like brought me and kept me to my knees. It talks about in the big book um, you know, irritable restlessness, discontentedness, um, the the bitter morass of self-pity stretching around me like quicksand, alcohol becoming this person, you know, Bill's master. Like I was at that point, I can resonate with those words that were spoken because I got this five-year sentence looming over my head. I wanted nothing more than my family to love me, but I was incapable of letting them in, right? I I kept shooting back at them, like, you don't have to go through this, you don't have to go through the five years, it's me that has to do that, do that. And and I'm not understanding, like, no, they have to do it with me, right? Um, but as I'm like, I just couldn't put enough substances into my body, whatever the hell it was, to cope with that fear and that pain that I have to go back to that environment. Um October 23rd, 2020, I go sign my plea and I'm going back to prison. And um, you know, fear sobers me up for a little bit, but it's not long before you know I give into that that idea, like, oh, just one's not going to hurt. And then it just progressed. Um, so I ended up on a medium custody yard, middle of COVID. We're locked down. I'm thinking I'm good. You know, there's gonna be no drugs. I I'm I'm good. I I got this. The cell that I landed at was the drop spot for you know the cops bringing in the drugs. So like the my I've I essentially live in the trap house. So I white knuckle it for maybe a month or two, but I give into that idea, like, uh man, I'm bored and just one time ain't gonna hurt. And that's just progressed. Now I'm smoking synthetic marijuana like at an alarming rate, and drinking, you know, prison alcohol and trying to get my hands on whatever opiates I could. Then I remember getting this uh, you know, the knock on the bed saying, hey, you're you know, roll up, you're getting reclassed. And now finally I get to go to a lower custody yard. Um, I remember praying to God, like, if I get this opportunity, you know, I please put me in a place where there's gonna be um opportunity available to me, like 12-step meetings, work, whatever. And uh, you know, they they shipped me up north to Kingman, and you know, fortunately they had a meeting every night of the week there, and that's where I got really involved. Um, but I was still doing the 30, 60, 90 relapse and you know, start over. But I would um I would start to do some of the steps, right? I forgot, like I experienced relief from the steps, so you know, maybe I should start doing the steps rather than just going to meetings. And um so I started to do the steps, and I remember this um this moment where I'm at step five. I have to go through all of this stuff with another man in prison behind behind the razor wire. Like, I don't know if I can do that. That's gonna take a lot of trust um to actually share my deepest, darkest secrets with somebody. And I remember sitting down to do that fifth step, and my sponsor on the yard, he immediately starts off the fifth step with just unloading all of his shit, right? Like all of his deep, dark secrets. So that kind of like disarmed me and enabled me to move forward and do the same, right? And I think that's where I developed like a trust for this program. Um, and and walking through that, I I had that sense of walking hand in hand with my creator again. And um it I started to see like the the delusions of that my mind would tell me like, oh no, you can't you can't come off this because they're gonna judge you and that the words are gonna get out, and you know, you're gonna experience all these horrible things. And I didn't experience that. Like I experienced the opposite. I experienced camaraderie, love, you know, understanding, empathy. And um when I experienced that, that's when I really just dived in to you know, I'm on the podcasts listening to things every day, Joe and Charlie tapes, really dissecting the big book and trying to get a better understanding of what that is. And um good things started to happen to me, right? I I I then I'm my best friend on the yard, and who's my best friend today? I remember he came up to me, he's like, hey dude, I'm gonna put in to go to this 60-man yard um on Alhambra to uh to see if we can, you know, if I can get over there. And he's telling me all this cool stuff that takes place there. I'm like, you know what, I'll try too. You know, and I didn't think it was gonna happen because we're on a private facility, we're in a private uh prison, and they don't want to give up any of their inventory, right? Um, but we put we submitted the the inmate letter. Ten days later, we were gone. We were on this yard. And when I got there, I like I'm seeing it's like a retirement community. There's a cat, there's video games, there's guitars, there's big screen TVs, a DVD library, and I'm like, man, I don't want to lose this. Um, so that just kind of encouraged me to continue on the path that I was on. I was getting uh I'd gotten a sponsor to work with me over the phone, and I it was a one time a week phone call, and I remember I would just I would call him, like just so excited that I get to talk to him because I get to hear some hope, and I get some direction on how to better my life. And he started taking me through the steps over the phone. And I remember I would immediately do these assignments, and then the next week I would present the assignments to him.

SPEAKER_01 33:51

Hey, if you're a parent in recovery, this might be for you. Rebuilding trust with a partner, a co-parent, or the people you love after the chaos of addiction can feel overwhelming, sometimes even impossible. You're not alone. Donna and I have lived it. And out of that experience, we built parenting in the storm. We're created for parents who are trying to rebuild connection without shame and model healthier relationships for the next generation. It started as retreat-style workshops in communities across Saskatchewan, but very quickly demand has grown far beyond what we can offer in person. So depending on when you're hearing this, there may already be digital resources or tools available through the link in the show notes. And if there isn't any yet, I assure you they are coming soon. If any of this resonates, you're welcome to explore it at your own pace. No pressure, just support. Wellness News Choice for Healthy Living is a local resource that works to connect people to health and wellness-related products, services, and expert advice from industry professionals locally allowing us to connect and engage. Check out wellnessnews.ca or skwellnesshub.ca today to learn more. If you want to support the channel, there are a few ways. By becoming a paid member right here on YouTube and get early access to new episodes, you can buy us a coffee or you can pick up some merch. Links to all that stuff is in the show notes below. And of course, always remember to give us a like, leave us a comment, and if you're new, a sub to the channel would mean the world to us because it all helps us keep getting louder.

SPEAKER_00 35:16

And I did this for about like six, seven months, and more opportunities became available to me, right? Um, I got recovery support certified, and that turned into a job where I'm facilitating groups while incarcerated to parole violators. And in that whole experience, I got to see what recovery looks like for my like with my coworkers. So it's not just the 12 steps, it could be you know other avenues to finding um you know recovery. And you know, I would go on these deep dives for spiritual, um, you know, these questions I had about the spiritual realm. And I I just remember as I'm facilitating these groups, I'm getting a lot of kickback uh from these parole violators. Like, man, you haven't lived this life, you haven't been out there yet. This fentanyl is killing people, and you haven't experienced that. And they had they were they had a they had a point, right? Like I hadn't been released yet. Um, but I knew the path that I was on. If I continued to do what I was doing, doing I'd be fine. And what their that kickback and when I would talk to them, it's just basically I had to start practicing what I preached, so it kind of held me accountable in all that. And um, you know, I I then I started to see what addiction looks like in other people's. Like I got to place myself in those guys' shoes because I was given these same excuses, you know, the countless times I was in treatment before. And you know, so like now I'm starting to see what addiction looks like in other people, and now I can reflect and see it in myself still. So I got to work on these things through the 12 steps. Um, and I just think it empowered me. Fast forward, yeah. I did my last um, you know, I think 11 months facilitating groups. Now my release date is upon me. Have some fear because my past experience has shown me like I'm only gonna get, you know, like I'm gonna get out and I'm gonna feel like the world owes me something. Um, I've never experienced this realm before of walking into freedom with some sobriety now and some recovery under my belt. So I had some fear. Um, I had this plan of going to this re-entry program uh when I got released, and you know, through some work with my sponsor, you know, they they always say take suggestions. And um my sponsor's like, dude, you've been to countless treatment centers. Um he told me, like, oh fuck that. You're gonna get involved with the 12 steps of alcoholics anonymous when you get out and you're gonna become a member and see what it's really like. And so like I went to sober living instead, and I decided to get involved in the program of Alcoholics and Cocaine Anonymous. Um, the day I got out of prison, I this is how kind of God works in my life today. I um I had some fear about some finances about paying for my sober living. I had reached out to a friend I was locked up with who had gotten released prior to me, and he's like, Hey man, where are you at? I want to meet up with you. I just want to talk to you about some things and give you something. So we meet up and um asked if I'm good, if I got a place to stay. I said yes. He's like, Well, I gotta go to a meeting. I want you to have this, and he gives me a thousand dollars cash, right? Um, so now I have this money. That's how he paid his tithe, right? That's how he gives back um and to help with his recovery. And so, like now, I have a thousand dollars to pay for my next month at my sober, my sober living home. Um I start going to job interviews for you know behavioral health clinics because I'm recovery support certified now. And this is the only field I can get into because I have no trade or skill. Um, and this is like what I've heard like you can get jobs pretty easily with just you know being in recovery now. Um, I had a couple great interviews, and you know, I was told like, oh, we'll get back to you. HR has to clear it first, but you'll you should be receiving an offer here like within the week. Well, those offers never came, right? I had two great interviews, same same same experience. I um I remember like it's week three, I'm down to my little bit of money, and um I'm starting to feel some fear, and I'm just scrolling on Facebook and I see a post. Hey, live in house manager needed for a sober living home. So I reach out, um, I get an interview that day. It turns out the place was just right around the corner from me. I interview that day, and turns out it's a live-in house manager and it's a paid position. Um, I have a great interview. The guy who is interviewing me starts asking me questions like, What's your home group? Who's your sponsor? Uh, so on and so forth. And I tell him, and he's like, That's a good lineage, that's a good home group. Um, but at the end of the interview, I get the same thing. It's like, oh, we'll call you, you know, in a few days to let you know if you got the job. So I'm feeling discouraged. I'm feeling a lot of fear. I go to my men's group that night with a friend, he comes and picks me up, and um as he goes to sit down, I turn to take a ticket, and as I turn around, who's sitting next to my friend? It was the guy that interviewed me. And um that's just you know, I I just knew at that point, like I I had this immediate sense of God working in my life, and uh there's nothing to fear. So he pulls me aside after the meeting, and he's like, You got the job.

SPEAKER_01 40:54

And that's not supposed to happen.

SPEAKER_00 40:59

Right. Um, he's like, You get the job, and um you know, like a week later, I'm I'm living up in North Phoenix, and I I'm going in the process of all this. I'm doing what I need to do to get my license back, to get my life back so I can, you know, be a c part of society again. Like I jump through all the hoops, uh I get I go, you know, I get my license back. I was able to get a car with some help from my mother, get the interlock, put on my car. Now I'm living in a sober living home. My job at the time is I sit on the computer and I get the clients from the house to treatment. And um, it's like two hours of work a day. I make a salary, and so this allows me to really get involved in the 12-step recovery field or you know, community out there. And I remember praying to God when I was in prison. If I get my license back in a car, I swear I will use my car for nothing but good. And that's what I did, like that resonated with me. So, like during the times I wasn't working, I was out taking dudes of detox, going to meetings, sponsoring people, sharing at meetings, you know, being asked to speak, like that's a new experience for me. And um, you know, and dudes are like finally like coming up to me after my share and like, dude, I really connected with your story. Will you sponsor me? And like I just remember feeling just so uplifted and just like, man, like I feel useful today. And um I remember like in in my professional life, you know, I would have to go to the facility one time a week, and the boss or the the director at that facility, she just saw something in me. I had no experience in case management or like BHT work, but she just felt something, and um she advocated for me to get hired um uh as a BHT and a case manager. So I got promoted within like three months of starting at this company. So now I have to dress up and like, you know, you know, and and go and I don't know, now I have to work at a clinic. And I as I started to excel at that, I like I'm really diving into I'm applying the principles of the program into my personal life and my professional life. And as a result, I started to um you know progress in in the field of you know work that I'm in today. Um I I had an affair with a different treatment center, right? Like some things were just kind of getting weird at where I was working. So I went to go work for another treatment center and I get my taste of admissions and learning a new side of um treatment. And I go there and it's just turns out it's like a 10 hour day sitting at the cubicle on the phone, right? And I just it didn't really, I just wasn't where I wanted to be. But I couldn't go back to where I was at. Once again, God had his other plans, right? Like I started hearing things like, well, maybe my sponsor, um, who is now he's my best friend, right? And this is uh the guy that interviewed me for this job. He's now my sponsor and my best friend, and he no longer works at this company. Well, long story short, I now have his the position that he used to hold, right? And it's just weird how God works in in my life today. But I remember him, he was kind of resentful at the company, you know, but um for for whatever happened with him and then letting him go. But I remember I'm I'm at work and he calls me and he's like, dude, if if they call you wanting to offer you a job, you might want to hear what they have to say. And I'm like, what's with the sudden change of uh change of heart? And he's like, just just listen to what they have to say. Um I think it was that night the the VP of operations came to the home group and he came to pitch me on coming back. And um I had some demands or some things that I needed if I were to come back. So I had this conversation with him, and they met all of those things, right? Like, I need more money, I need insurance, I need to be a W-2. They meant all those things. And as I gave my two-week notice to the other treatment center that I was currently working for, they're like, Well, what did they offer you? Because we want to we want to beat that so we can keep you. Um, and like I'm just like in this weird position because usually I'm robbing the petty cash, breaking back into my work so I could sleep in the bathroom, you know what I mean, and and getting the cops called on me. Um but man, like, so I ultimately go back and come to find out they had created this this position for me, this new position, so I could develop and build an admissions team for the treatment center I work for today. Um, my life is beautiful today. I um like I would get these new experiences. Like, I'm now the director of admissions and housing for this treatment center or integrated health clinic and IOP program. I I just recently I I'm now renting a beautiful townhouse, and you know, and I'm finally living on my own by myself uh with my dog Trevor. Um and you know, my life is unrecognizable, and I've only been out of prison for 20 months. Um now I'm gonna kind of touch back on the Trevor story we were talking about earlier. So when I found out I was getting a new place, I I really wanted a dog. And um when I decided to go look for a dog, it just so happened to be what my what would have been my brother's 36th birthday. And um, so I just thought it was like appropriate. I just I ran into this dog that I knew I had to have. I adopted him, and I noticed it was January 11th, which happened to be Trevor's birthday. I'm like, I'm going to name Trevor, I'm gonna name my dog after my brother. Um, so yeah, he's the uh, you know, he's I I you know I just my life is so fulfilled today, and I'm just so grateful for the life I have. Um I had to experience those 12 years of prison to get where I'm at today. I had to experience the loss of my father, my brother, my best friend. Um I had to go through all of those things to get where I'm at today. Um and I'm aware of that. Before those were my reasons to continue to use, those were my excuses, but today those are like my my motivating factors. Like that's what I can use to help other people because um you know there's we are uniquely qualified to help another uh person just through our story.

SPEAKER_01 48:11

There's a saying that I've come to use it's uh it goes in God's hands, our dark past becomes our greatest asset.

SPEAKER_00 48:21

Absolutely, and I that resonates with me. Um our rap sheet becomes our resume. Like there's a couple other things, you know, and uh it's like someone with no skill, um, no trade, no anything, just the desire to help other people and use my experience to help other people. Like that's all I need. I've turned come to find out, like I am motivated, I am, you know, all these things that I never thought I was without substances. Like it just took a little time and some work to realize that.

SPEAKER_01 48:57

Before we wrap this up, I want to make sure that we talk on taught touch on some of those principles that you talked about. Um, you said that you kept practicing the principles of the program and your life kept getting better. Like, let's lay that out, let's let's unpack that a little bit. Like, what do you mean? What principles and how did they help your life get better?

SPEAKER_00 49:14

Okay, so there's a part in the end of I believe it's chapter three of More About Alcoholism. Um, it talks about these spiritual principles as being like fundamental, right? Um, I I can't quote it exactly, but that resonated with me because I went and I looked back and I thought back on my time in prison where you're in a whole different environment and there's not a lot of recovery and resources available to you. So I had to rely on these spiritual principles and not knowing it at the time, but like the three that are indispensable honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness, right? Um, so it's it started with on the yard, living honestly, so not going through the chow hall line twice. If I see a piece of trash on the ground, I pick it up. I remember for Thanksgiving one year, I went around for a couple hours just picking up all the cigarette butts on the yard. I don't know why I did that. I just knew I had to do something different. Um, and it was Thanksgiving, not Thankstaking. And I kind of like had this um like I wanted to give back to the community that I was in. As much as I hated it, I wanted to give back to it. So it's I had to live honestly, I had to speak honestly. Um, I had to be open-minded to new concepts of um whether it be spiritual or just um and dealing with new ways to live, right? And just open-minded. But then taking that open-mindedness and being willing to put it into action, um, that's where like kind of all ties in for me. Um and taking the suggestions of my sponsor by not going to this re-entry program and going into silver living, by getting out or ending a relationship that I had been in for nine years and walking through that uncomfortable process um and getting in and taking the action to get involved in the 12-step community. And as the result of that, you know, you got perseverance, brotherly love, and you know, you and I started to understand what those spiritual principles were, and and just seeing that all these things are starting to come true in my life as a result of practicing these principles to the best of my ability, right? Because I fall short on the daily basis. Just because the drugs and alcohol are no longer there, I still deal with this brain disease, and and it's a disease that I feel only a spiritual awakening can combat. Having a connection with the higher power, that's the only way, in my experience so far, has been able to alleviate any of those those previous symptoms that I have. But I still make bonehead decisions, right? I still ex I still struggle with lust and and fear of what people think of me and comparing myself to others. I still I'm dealing with a whole lifetime of thinking and feeling a certain type of way. But as time progresses, um I have to I still have to be open-minded and willing to pray and meditate. You know, as much as an inconvenience taking the time to meditate every day can be, um, I still am willing to do the best I can. And that's all I'm trying to do is just the best I can. Um, and I do fall short. But it's also reminding myself, giving myself some grace. It's like everyone struggles with this still, even if they have 30 years of sobriety, five years, whatever, everyone in this program struggles with these things still. And I keep hearing that, and it's like I'm okay, I'm right where I need to be. And just being honest with myself. Um, and so I think that the that biggest one for me is honesty, just living honestly and being honest with myself, being vulnerable and and being authentic to who Landon really is. If I'm if I'm in touch with who Landon really is, and I don't deviate from that, um like my experience has been just absolutely amazing. You know, because I get to be, I don't have to be somebody else, I don't have to try and fit in anymore. Um, I get to be the the Landon that God created. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 53:33

Beautiful. Um and I I can relate. Um, you know, I'm I'm over nine years in, right? And and um, you know, and and life gets good, and if you live to your authentic self, uh it it it gets real good, and it gets so good so fast. It like for me it took a while, but like I've been doing this podcast for like five years, um five and a half years now. And then my wife and I developed this workshop, and we we travel all over the province now, um, working with parents who are entering recovery, who have had ministry involvement, who have who are trying to get their kids back and trying to find a way to to to restore trust in the family unit, whatever that looks like for them, right? And um it it took off. Like we've been doing it since last August, and it's just it it's a whole new life now, you know. And every and who would have thought the adventures that we would go on as a result of a workshop? Like there's times where I'll just be like, workshop brought us here, really. We're like in we're in northern Saskatchewan on some beautiful picturesque road, and there's just like all this, it's a wild adventure. I can't even begin to articulate the experiences we've had as a result of running this workshop for parents who want to find a better way to live, you know? So, and and the fear when you get something, and maybe you can relate to this, but there's a fear when you get something good, like, oh my God, it's like that the the Lord of the Rings, like my precious, you know, like you don't want to lose it. So now you're afraid you're gonna lose this amazing thing, right? And and the fear, it doesn't stop until you stop it, until you come back to who you are in an authentic way and understand that you're here for a reason. You didn't come this far to just get this far. And there's a saying that I heard recently, and I try to live by it, is show up to life like God sent you. Like show up and just know that you're here for a reason, and it's for something bigger than you. And you keep living by that and do your best not to get greedy, and do your best not to get selfish, and it just keeps getting better, man. It's amazing. So thank you for for sharing your story with me today, with with with our with our community, and uh for your honesty and your your willingness to talk about your healing journey, Landon. Is there anything that you want to leave us with?

SPEAKER_00 55:49

So I usually close up all my shares like when I get asked to speak with this quote. It's from Jim Rohn, and this one really resonates with me. And it's something to the effect of if you work hard on your job, you can earn a living, but if you work hard on yourself, you will earn a fortune. And that's what the 12 steps have done for me. Like it's allowed me to work on myself, and now I'm experiencing just everything that God has intended for me to experience, and um yeah, and it's that's all it is now. I'm just working hard on myself, you know, and it it translates into the job. But man, it's like the fortune that I've earned just in this short three and a half years and and twenty months of being out of prison has just been like I I've been rocketed into this whole other dimension, and I'm just trying to hold on for the ride, and I can't wait for what's in store, you know, for me and and and everyone in my life.

SPEAKER_01 56:51

Landon, thank you so much for joining me today. Um let's cap it there. Um take good care, my friend. All right.

SPEAKER_00 56:58

Thank you. You as well.

SPEAKER_01 57:01

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